I must start by telling you all that today is important to me because 15 years ago, in September 4th, 1995, Xena: Warrior Princess premiered. I can't tell you guys how important that show has been to me all these years (more than half my life, really), and how much I miss it still So, here I leave you with an awesome video from youtube to remind you all of just how awesome this show is.
There. See? Pure awesomeness.
Now, you ready for Las Aparicio? Because things are about to get caliente!
Let's get to it.
Last time we saw them, Dani, Mariana, Julia and Armando had the brilliant idea of playing strip poker. Now, do I have to tell you where that's going to end up?
The whole thing is actually a montage with funky cool music and lots of skin. I was very surprised that they went as far as they did, that they showed as much as they did, I mean. Las Aparicio may have its flaws, but they got balls.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself, let's do this right.
Nana's Voice Over.
During the voice over, Nana talks about how in some fragile environments, a little wind can break the ecosystem's fragility and when the equilibrium is destroyed, it can cause a hurricane.
She's referring, of course, to Dani 2.0 who has swept through the Bisexual Polyville and will leave destruction and confusion in her wake.
Lol. I'm so dramatic.
Bisexual Polyville, part deux. Night.
Like I've said, this whole thing is shown as a fun, funky montage, so there's no dialog.
As the game progresses, everyone starts losing their clothes, except Julia.
Is this supposed to imply that Julia is good at poker? I've never played, so, enlighten me: are sanity and intelligence important to be good at poker? Because that just can't be.
Naah. Everyone is probably just naughtier than Julia and they lose big articles of clothing while she just takes off her shoes or something.
As the game continues, the tensions raise. Armando and Dani seem to be having a great time and are looking at each other all lustfully. Julia seems annoyed at the whole thing, specially as she notices said looks.
I'm not really sure what Mariana thinks/feels at the whole thing, in part because her face is somewhat unreadable. But maybe I'm just distracted by this glorious shot of her boobs.
Eventually, Dani loses a hand and decides to take off her bra. Since this is 2.0 and she loves all sorts of polysex, she continues to insinuate herself to the trio by asking Mariana to help her take it off.
So, subtle. About as subtle as the 'spin the bottle' thing.
Mariana looks over to Julia to ask permission, and then goes for it, but halfway through decides not to.
Julia, fed up with the BS, gets up and just goes over to Dani. She fumbles with Dani's bra for a second and even snaps it a couple of times before unhooking it. They all laugh and laugh. Then, this happens.
Julia kisses Dani and bam! Things get XXX.
Mariana is getting it on with Dani, while Julia is getting it on with Armando.
What can I say? It's hot. It also feels like they've gone back in time, back when the whole enchilada was Mariana/Dani and Armando/Julia, and not Mariana/Julia/Armando with some Dani on the side.
Somewhere along the way, Julia's and Mariana's eyes lock for a long moment.
Julia proceeds to, immediately and a little forcefully, push Dani to the side and get it on with Mariana.
Finding themselves partnerless, Dani and Armando proceed to get it on.
I must say, after all the 'passionate', 'animalistic' polysex that Dani engaged in with Europeans on virgin beaches, I really hope the Mc Trio didn't catch something.
That's one thing I must criticize this show on. With all the sex that goes on in Alma's Atelier with her manwhores, Alma and her own liberated sex life, the polyamoury business, Armando's endless infidelities at the beginning of the show, etc, etc, they really should've tackled that topic (STDs), yet they never have.
Uncool, Powers That Be. Uncool.
The next day, Dani, who may be the new Queen of the Bisexual Polyville, looks over as her subjects sleep.
She wakes them up and asks them how they slept. She's so a pro at this whole polysex business.
Or was it an orgy? How many people is required for it to be an orgy?
Las Aparicio is so thought provoking, isn't it? Give me a sec while I check.
I'm back. I couldn't really find a convincing answer, so, if any of you know, let me know. I'm curious now.
When she has her subjects' attention, Dani asks them if she can use their shower. She knows that it's silly to ask, considering all that happened the night before, but she just doesn't want to be late for her yoga class.
Dani is so blase about the whole thing that I'm thinking that maybe she wasn't making it up when she was telling her sex stories.
Julia and Mariana seem very freaked out about the whole thing, while Armando seems totally fine with it. Of course.
After seeing how they (over) reacted after the 'spin the bottle' thing, I can't wait to see how they process this.
No, not really, I don't care.
Armando tells her that of course she can shower, and after she walks away to do just that, he keeps looking at her ass while Mariana and Julia more or less hide under the covers.
Later, Dani is all clean and fresh and completely okay with what happened the night before. Everyone else, well, not so much.
Chill out, gueys, it's not like you killed someone. I mean, it's not something I'd do, but, again, it's not like you killed someone.
Dani: Hey, put away those guilty faces. We didn't do anything wrong.
And off she goes to her yoga.
The processing begins.
Mariana: Guilt. Do you feel guilty?
Mariana: Really? Well, I feel horrible, really.
Armando, being Armando, says that maybe they did cross a line, but it wasn't anything wrong.
Je. The rumors are that he and Dani will hook up, and I must say that him and 2.0 will make a good match, they certainly have similar sex ideas.
Mariana doesn't agree. She can't pretend that nothing happened, primarily because of the real reason why she did it: jealousy. She didn't even want to do it, she just did it out of jealousy.
Huh? Jealous of who? Julia? You've been sharing her for a while now. Dani? You haven't even spoken to her for months.
It would be realistic that this foursome business shook them if they were vanilla conventional people, but, after everything they've done up till now, I fail to understand this reaction.
I love Armando's reasons for doing it, though.
Armando: I did it because...I was horny. What can I say?
Lol. I love his honesty and how uncomplicated this is for him.
An uncomfortable silence follows. Since Julia can't handle it when the attention is not on her, she demands it.
Julia: What? No one is going to ask me? Why I did it? Or how I feel?
Why waste words when they know you don't need asking?
Julia: You don't care, right?
My god. If I wasn't against violence, I would reach inside the screen and slap you. YOU are telling THEM that they don't care about your feelings? After all they've done?
Julia: In case you want to know, I did it like animals do: peeing on my territory. Because it bothers me when someone gets into my territory when I'm there.
Ah...eh..um..This chick just keeps leaving me speechless, gueys.
First of all, EW at the peeing thing. Stop saying that, it's gross.
Secondly, yes, we know you're a possessive, crazy ass girlfriend who sucks people into her BS and strips them of their dignity and free will by using some form of black magic.
Don't worry, I would never get into your territory, not just because I don't want to see you peeing, but because I don't want to fall prey to your...whatever it is you do to turn people into faithful servants.
Mariana: Well, there's your free love, right, Julia? The one that needs delicacy, respect, trust...eradicating all jealousy. Perfect equilibrium. Right now, honestly, I feel more off balance than ever before.
Orale, Mariana. Are you growing a new pair? I know Julia stole your ovaries a while back, but I doubt she will ever give them back, so you must be getting new ones.
Emo (the transformation is beginning again) walks away.
Even later that day, Julia is brooding in Armando's awesome back yard.
Have I said that I love his house?
Since these chicks just keep talking and talking, Mariana decides it's a good idea to keep discussing it. She sounds annoyed, though, when she asks Julia if she's going to continue to be like this, specially since she(Julia) was the one who started the whole thing by kissing Dani.
Mariana, what are you doing? It's like expecting rationality from a wall.
And you know what? Having sex isn't like a sneeze that takes two seconds and you can't help it. Any one of you could've stopped, so, own up to it.
Julia says that, if they're going down that route, then she could say that it wouldn't have happened if Marina hadn't invited Dani for dinner and hadn't flirted with her and etc, etc, etc.
Mariana: Right, and if I had never met her, right? Oh, stop. I can't make myself responsible for anyone's acts but my own, Julia.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
Julia continues to be, well, Julia. She tells Mariana that she's right, but that then she needs to own up to the fact that she (Mariana) invited Dani to their house when she (Dani) didn't have anything to do there.
Mariana gets annoyed and says they better go or they'll be late for the Atelier, they'll finish their talk later.
Nooooooo. You have a class?
Julia: We'll talk later? You want to talk, talk and talk all the time! And for what? Why are we going to talk and talk and talk if it doesn't work at all? We've talked to exhaustion and we don't fix anything!
God, I agree. Shut up already and go do fun things.
The fight keeps getting better.
Mariana asks her, what can they do, then? Shut up and not discuss anything? Pretend that nothing is happening?
Mariana: Call Dani and ask her to come to dinner again, and to bring a friend, by the way?
Ooohhh. 5 people have got to be an orgy, right?
Julia doesn't like the orgy idea, I figure it's since the more people there are, the less attention would be paid to her, no?
She says that that's not the solution.
Mariana: What are we, guey?
Julia: I don't know what we are. But neither Daniela, or how things are going now are how the plan was.
Are they dumb? What is this whole 'what are we business'?
Mariana: So, now it turns out that your free love had limits, eh?
Julia: Yes! My free love has limits because it doesn't include Daniela!
I must say that I really love how Julia says 'Daniela', with such venom. I get all tingly with sadistic pleasure every time I see Julia's own BS bite her in the ass.
Karma's a bitch, Jules.
I feel it would be redundant to point out how selfish and hypocritical Julia has been through all of this, so I won't. Oh well, I just did. But since this show likes redundancy, I'm sure they're okay with it.
They leave to go to the Atelier.
If only the poor schmucks who are paying to learn stuff from you could see you now, Miss Enlightenment.
Alma's Atelier. Day.
The girls are giving their class.
Miss Desadaptada (Mariana) welcomes the class by saying this is their last class.
Anyway, the topic of the class is social activism. Mariana and Julia remind their students that they need to learn to fight every kind of injustice, not just when it involves the LGBTT community.
Right in the middle of it, Dani walks in.
The ominous music plays again in the background. I love it.
After the class, Dani approaches Mariana. Julia hovers in the background, and the discomfort is in the air.
As Dani praises the class, Mariana keeps looking at Julia, who keeps pretending that she's handling books and papers, but is in fact listening and looking all jealous. Her hear snaps up when Dani mentions Armando, and I keep waiting for her head to explode or for her to turn into Julk or something, poor Dani will drive her crazy, well, crazier.
Thank you for that, Dani 2.0.
When Dani invites them three to go out again, Julia just can't handle it anymore.
Julia: I can't.
Mariana: 'I can't what', Julia?
Julia: I can't go on with this, Mariana. It's over.
As we hear Nana's Voice Over, we see Julia breaking up with Emo.
Julia tells Emo that, simply, she (Julia) isn't good enough for her (Mariana).
Can I get a DUH?
You aren't good enough for anyone, guey. Not until you grow the fuck up.
Tonight I leave you with.......
....Mara's crazy cravings! Because psychological pregnancies suck!
Alma's Atelier. Day.
The breakup continues.
Mariana wishes she hadn't invited Dani to dinner. Julia tells her that it could've been anybody. Emo insists that she shouldn't have brought her into their lives, knowing what Dani could cause in all of them.
Guey, stop it. Everything is always Julia's fault, don't you read my recaps? And don't grovel, it's not cool.
Julia, who is talking all zombie like, tells her she couldn't have known what happened was going to happen. Emo says she should've, yada, yada, yada.
Zomlia (Zombie+Julia) tells Emo that what's going on now doesn't have anything to do with Dani or their orgy the night before, it has to do with a lot of other things. They start recounting all that's gone wrong in their relationship, starting back when Julia left for Spain with Armando and Mariana failed to stop her and that they should've confessed their love the first time they kissed, yada, yada, lots of what ifs.
I got my own.
-What if you kept it in your pants and didn't cheat on your perfect girlfriend with Armando?
-What if you didn't propose your incredibly unfair V shaped polyamorous relationship from hell?
-What if you weren't a crazy, jealous possessive girlfriend who is the epitome of selfish?
-What if you held on to your dignity and didn't let Julia get everything she wanted at all times?
-What if you actually demanded respect instead of forgiving her everything?
-What if you held on to your ovaries and didn't let Julia steal them?
There's lots of problems in your relationship, gueys. The stuff you mention is actually pretty insignificant.
Zomlia says they better stop with the 'what ifs', because the past is the past and there's nothing they can do to change it. The only thing they have it's what's to come.
Emo: And what's to come?
Zomlia: My sisters always say that a complete woman doesn't need a better half. I've spent my entire life searching for that better half, trying to piece it together with pieces of everybody. Pieces of you, pieces of him, even pieces of Dani. And I think it's time that I complete myself only with pieces of me, don't you think? It's the only way to give love, without searching desperately for someone to give it to me first.
Orale. Julia, when did you go sane on me? Oh, I know, it was the sex last night. Maybe Dani's naked body has healing abilities.
Either way, finally!
I must say, it's a bit annoying that Julia is the one who breaks the whole thing up. That just continues to make it all about her and her journey, while Armando and Mariana continue to be her puppets.
Later, the girls walk out of the classroom, wondering how Armando will take it. Julia freaks out because Ileana left and Meche had asked Julia to keep her occupied and out of the house. They don't know it, but WW III is going on at Aparicio Central since Rafaela is telling Alma that she is responsible for Maximo's death.
Bisexual Polyville, part deux (but not for long!). Night.
Armando comes home to his women, not knowing what's waiting for him there.
He sees a box in the middle of the living room and asks what it is.
Julia: It's a box Mariana and I brought because we're going to pack our things.
What a bitch. The world keeps revolving around her and the unilateral decisions she makes, and everyone else has to bear the consequences. Poormando will lose the only people he has in his life without any warning and without having any say.
You suck, Julia, even if you have a good reason for this, the least you could do was to talk about it first, no?
Mariana tells him to sit down, they have to talk.
The talk happens, mostly, of screen. Armando seems really sad, and I actually feel bad for him.
Armando: But we were doing okay, no? What happened with Dani was obviously a slip up, but we can get over it.
Julia assures him that that's not the only reason. They hadn't been okay for a long time and wouldn't be okay if things stayed the same.
Poormando asks the girls what is it about him that he has to change so they aren't over. Julia plays the 'it's not you, it's me card'. She tells him that she's the one who has to change a lot of things about herself.
Don't you ever. You might need to go to LA, become a Doll and have them imprint a whole new personality in you. Your code name can be Chaos.
For a moment, Armando fears that the girls are leaving him, but staying together. Julia assures him that, no, she's leaving them both because she needs time alone so she can find herself.
Poormando finally starts to accept the fate his Mistress is imposing on him. He tells the girls he hopes they can at least be friends (I tell you, he has no one else). Mariana is on board with that, but Julia isn't sure it's a good idea since the last time she tried to be friends with him, this whole mess happened. She admits they get caught in a vicious cycle that she's trying to escape. She tells him that, maybe in the future, when things have settled, she hopes they can be friends, since she really does care a lot about him.
Armando: Then I hope time flies because I'm really going to miss you guys.
You suck, Julia.
Poormando says that he wouldn't change anything that happened between them. The girls leave with their box and Armando cries.
Aparicio Central. Night.
Julia arrives, ready to move back in. Did she even tell her mom about it? She runs into Ileana, who is still crippled by a bad case of the crazy, so she hardly pays any attention when Julia tells her that she broke up with her servants.
The Queen is shocked that Ileana doesn't care. Ileana asks her if she misses her dad.
Armando's Cave. Night.
Poormando is still sad. He walks around the house, obviously missing his women.
He sits in his living room, all sad. The phone rings and he answers it immediately 'Julia!'. But it's not Julia. It's Dani.
Dum, dum, dum.
Mariana's Loft. Night.
I am so glad I no longer have to write 'Bisexual Polyville' anymore.
Emo's back with her little videos.
This one is for Hernan, telling him how much she misses him.
And tonight I leave you with many things.
...... Gaby's awesome acting! Bravo!
......Daddy Maximo! Because awwwww!
...another awesome Xena video! Cause it's my blog and I can do what I want!