What's up guys?
I've concluded that this is no longer a real TV show, it is an exploration of alternative lifestyles (polyamory, lesbianism, etc), whose purpose is not to entertain, but to teach us tolerance.
Which means that it has gotten boring as hell.
There's no conflict, they're all beings of light with love coming out of their pores who are united in their love for her Highness, Julia.
Either that, or they're robots, like the Buffybot. Or cylons.
Whatever they are, it's boring, and somewhat pretentious I'd say.
Well, let's get to the recap.
Nana's voice over.
Nana's talking about men and whatever, but I just want to take the opportunity to make fun of Armando's hair.
I'm not even gonna say anything, I'll just let you point and laugh.
I'm so glad these aren't real people, otherwise I'd feel bad for being so mean.
Bisexual Polyville. Day.
It's the day after the Julia-centered threeway, and her Majesty and her subjects are discussing Armando's proposal to live together. Mariana says it's crazy, Armando and Julia say it's not. He insists that it will help to improve his relationship with Mariana, particularly their trust issues.
I think he just wants to get into Mariana's panties too and get himself a little harem.
Armando goes on and on about it.
Armando: Let's get out of the closet with this love we have. Let's defend it at all costs, with all arms.
Um, two things.
First of all, I think Armando has joined Julia in her Lala Land, and is very close to being named King. In which case, Mariana will probably end up being Julia's personal servant, which is NOT cool regardless of how hot Fingersmith was (you know, servants and mistresses getting it on and all).
Secondly, Armando, I've said it before: NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU DO. You're insignificant to the world. Defend your love in front of who? Not even Rafaela cares anymore.
Julia is obviously on her King's side, and asks Mariana if she could handle such situation. Mariana gets a crazy look in her eye when Armando does something that annoys her (what, exactly? No clue.) and says that it's one thing to handle living with your girlfriend and her annoyances, but it's something else to live with said girlfriend's boyfriend too.
Whatever. Stop playing hard to get, the whole universe knows you're gonna say yes.
Armando keeps pressing the matter and asks Julia what she thinks. She says she doesn't know if it could work, after all, they're very different (Emo and Ass). Mariana is a crazy anal, organized person; Armando is a mess maker.
The scene just drags onnnnnn forever, and I'm not intrigued at all since I know they're gonna say yes because it's what her Majesty wants, even though she says she'd never ask that of them.
Later that day, Julia is looking over bills or something while Mariana is on twitter. When her subject doesn't pay enough attention to her, the Queen goes over to see what's up.
Julia invades Mariana's privacy and sees that she's on twitter following a thread/trend called #sufrocomomariana (#isufferlikemariana).
It should be called #sufrocomonatalia since I have to endure this crap to write the recaps for my faithful readers.
The whole thing is a shout out to the fans of the show, which is cool. In case you don't know, that trend/thread exists and has been around twitter for a while.
Julia asks her what's up, is she telling people on twitter about their personal lives? Mariana tells her she's just asking them all what's it like living with a guy and their messes.
Emo, I think I might have to kill you too.
Armando is doing your girl, but your big problem is potential dirty towels on the floor?
Julia's face totally lights up: is Mariana considering accepting Armando's proposal?
See? Told you she totally wanted it.
Mariana tells her she'd be willing to go for it if it's something that Julia wants and needs, and, besides, Armando is not so bad after all.
You know what? That's it. I'm sorry, Mariana, but you see this?
Yes, you just died. You're dead to me. I've never seen anyone lose their dignity like this.
The Dead One goes on to say that after Armando's reveal about his shitty dad, she realizes he's not so bad: he's just had a bad life. She asks Julia how come she never told her about it.
Julia says it's not of her place to be going around telling people's secrets. I still think she didn't know. But supposedly it's like a confidentiality agreement between partners.
The girls start giggling and playing around. Julia tells Mariana to sign the contract on her chest and Mariana starts kissing said chest.
Hernan walks in and is all horrified.
Ha! Take that! What have I been saying about all the open doors and just entering people's homes uninvited? Be grateful you didn't walk in on them fucking, Utopio.
Although the chances of that happening may be like winning the lottery since I'm starting to think they do it once very blue moon. And with their husband in the picture, I wouldn't be surprised if they have to ask Armando permission before they do.
After a moment of awkwardness, Hernan jokes that they need to put up and intercom so he can announce himself.
Um, how about calling first, guey?
Anyway, as if I'm not bored enough, Hernan joins them in order to bore me some more.
Julia brings him coffee and they talk about something. I'm not too sure what since I just fell asleep on top of my keyboard... I even drooled a little.
I think it might've been him giving them his blessing for their fucked up relationship. I think there's also talk about Che Guevara and how he said that revolutions are about love.
I don't care, all of these beings of light are really boring and pretentious.
Have I said that?
Hey, I got a game. How about, during this recap, you take a tequila shot every time I say I'm bored? Then, you can go back and watch the episodes. You'll be so drunk you might find them fun.
Alma's Atelier. Day.
The girls are there doing catering related business. Julia finds Mariana all pensive and asks her what's up. Zombriana (zombie+ Mariana, she's dead, remember?) tells her she's remembering what Hernan said the Che said about revolutions being about love, and how it applies to their own revolution.
Stop comparing your situation to a revolution. Stop saying it's revolutionary. STOP IT. It's none of those things and makes me think you're doing it because you want to pride yourself in being all those things.
Julia says that sometimes she wonders if she's being too selfish and starts to say (I presume) that she would understand if Mariana couldn't handle it, but the zombie stops her with a kiss and then looks at her full of love.
Mariana tells her she's not doing any of this simply to make Julia happy (yeaahhhh right), she's doing it to pursue her own Utopia of free love, which is what she's always believed.
Guey, this is NOT free love. If you could love/do other people on the side, maybe. This is Julia wanting and getting everything for no reason. And you're doing her more harm than good, you know. She's a child, and if you were her mother, this would be spoiling her (and, now that I think of it, incest. Ew. So, scratch that image).
Changing topics, for a sec, Liz, are you sleeping well?
For like, the last month I want to give you coffee every time you're on screen.
Mariana goes on to say that Armando and herself are not puppets, they're adults who entered into this thing on their own free will.
Let me just say:
Zombie, I'm pretty sure there's all sorts of black magic going on here to make you all behave this way. Or, like I said, you're all robots.
And writers, we get it. Stop trying to justify this story so much. If you're gonna go for something, just do it and stop explaining. Also, start throwing in some drama and conflict because no conflict means boring, which is worse than the outrageous stuff. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, and boredom breeds indifference.
Bisexual Polyville. Day.
The girls are filling a bag with clothes. Are you going on a trip?
Armando walks in all happy. He tells them that he's gonna invite them to dinner to celebrate that he's got a job: he's gonna be a football coach for kids or something.
Julia is happy they're not gonna have to support him. He asks them what's up with the bags, and Mariana tells them they're decided to take him up on his offer and live together.
What a surprise. I'm so shocked.
As always, the Dead One seems sooooo happy with this new development.
No guey, you're not Julia's puppet at all.
Armando and Julia, however, are honestly happy about it.
Tonight I leave you with......
....raincoat Meche! Because the woman really doesn't want to get anything wet! That's so bad, gueys!
Bisexual Poliville. Night.
The monarchs (Julia and Armando) and their servant (Mariana) are discussing the rules of their living arrangement.
Mariana has a list of rules to enable their cohabitation.
Don't tell me, guey, they're gonna live in your house too?
Of course, why not?
The Dead One is very emphatic with her first rule: the straight guy cannot make any sexual advances towards the lesbian, the penalty being castration.
Aww, Mariana, you're so cute thinking you still have any power at all in this poly relationship.
Armando promises he'll obey. I don't believe it.
Mari goes on and on with other rules about utensils and whatever and just blah.
Julia stops her and points out that they can figure that out later. The most important thing right now is to make sure that their day to day living flows well and isn't forced.
Then the Queen goes on and on about how they're not gonna force Armando to go to artsy stuff he doesn't like and he's not gonna force them to watch football and they have to learn to share the toilet and it's all just ...
...even if the writers just wanted it to be funny.
Then Armando asks the important question: what about the bed?
I just know Armando wants the three of them to share the bed.
Julia doesn't know what to do about that, I suppose, since she changes the subject and says she's really hungry.
Armando offers to cook.
Mariana offers to do the dishes.
What is Julia going to do, I wonder?
Aahhh, the joys of having faithful servants.
Later that night, the polyfamily is having dinner.
Armando has a ponytail. Mariana looks sleepy. As am I.
Julia seems very happy and goes on and on about how great the food was.
Eventually, it's time for bed, and the sleeping arragements come up again.
The Dead One doesn't care anymore how they sleep, she's just too tired. She whines that she needs to sleep right now.
I really don't like you anymore, guey.
The scene changes and we don't know what they decide.
Later that night, horrible things are happening.
The girls are getting it on and Armando is looking from the window. Mariana invites him to join, so I know it must be a dream.
See? I keep telling ya, he just wants his own harem.
Thankfully, he wakes up before his lips can touch Mariana's. Or rather, Mariana wakes him up with a shriek.
He left the toilet sit up and she fell in! Oh my God! The horror!
Armando apologizes and tells her he won't do it again, but she's just lost her shit over this.
Mariana: Do you know how horrible it is to get up all sleepy and zombie wanting to go to the bathroom thinking 'oh I have to pee' . Then I sit down on the toilet and splash! Guey, it's dangerous!
Okay, let me get this straight. It's okay that Julia cheated on you with Armando, that she proposed a polyamorous relationship with him, that you know that she's doing him, that she's going to be doing him right there in your house, that she already did him with you there....yet THIS is what you lose your shit over? The fucking toilet seat?
It's official. You're a crazy person. A while ago I decided that Julia was too crazy to ever want to date her, but now I see you are too.
Julia and Armando, of course, just laugh at her. While naked (or half naked, I'm not sure). In Mariana's bed. In her fucking house.
Don't tell me, did you sleep on the futon, zombie? Or in between them?
You know what?
That's it. You're off my Christmas list, too. I'm done. Screw you, guey.
Right now I think I'd rather date Armando with his penis and his crazy hair. Or Hernan. That's how disappointed I am in you guys.
The Crazy One (Mariana) tells Armando not to look at her like she's some crazy lesbian, she's not (I do not concur), but Julia and Ass just keep laughing at her.
Mariana hits them with a pillow and throws herself on the bed with them.
The whole scene IS funny, but I can't let myself laugh properly because I'm so annoyed. Good acting, though.
Aparicio Central. Day.
Julia and Mariana are visiting. Julia is wearing those ugly, ugly pants.
They seem awkward and scared. I guess they want to tell Rafaela about the new living arrangements. Julia tells Rafaela to sit down.
Patroncita won't, she's fine she's ready to hear whatever.
Julia tells her the trio are living together.
Rafaela doesn't care. Like I said before, NO ONE CARES, gueys.
Hey, this one was short.
THANK YOU LORD.
Tonight I leave you with.....
... Maximo! Because he has the best lines!
Aparicio Central. Day.
Julia and Mariana are still over there. Since Rafaela so obviously prefers Mariana over Julia, she brings her over to talk, to see how she's really doing.
Mariana seems a bit uncomfortable at first. She thinks Rafaela is going to reprimand her and tell her all those things we've been screaming at our screens: that she's weak and letting Julia walk all over her.
Oh my god. A moment of lucidity!
I'd like to think she's saying this because she's felt it too (I need to find drama somewhere).
But that's not Rafaela's deal right now. Although she doesn't care a lot about Armando, she loves Mariana and wants to tell her how proud of her she is.
Are we losing you too, Patroncita?
Anyway, she's proud of Mariana because she (Mariana) is such a great person, full of love, generosity, tolerance and patience. She asks Emo if she's finding it easy to share the person she loves.
Mariana: The thing is, Patroncita, that I just realized a long time ago that Julia has never been, nor will she ever be, 'my love'.
Rafaela: Since when? Why?
Mariana: Well, it's just that Julia has soo much love in her life. There's you and nana and her sisters and nieces and everyone...and Armando and me...I think Julia has sooo much love that it's just impossible for her to just deposit it in just one person.
Sooooo....that's what you've been telling yourself to rationalize this whole thing? I wish I could have your powers of suggestion and make myself like a shitload of things I hate.
Rafaela doesn't agree. She tells Mariana that Julia may have a lot of love to give, but she's also really scared: she still hasn't gotten over her father's death.
Rafaela: She feels that if she only loves one person, she's gonna lose that love. So she divides her love between many people, to not take that risk.
Mariana: No, but I don't think that's it....
Rafaela: Yes, yes. Armando is... how can I put this? Like her backup parachute. But her real love, are you.
Uff, I got scared there for a minute. I thought we lost Rafaela too.
I'm glad I can still say: Rafaela's word=the word of God.
That actually makes sense. It also hints, subtly, that things are going to start changing soon towards Juliana.
Mariana seems rattled at Rafaela's words.
I'm guessing Julia's bullshit broke her spirit so long ago that she had resigned herself to the endless saliva swap between the three. Now, she's too afraid to dream that Julia could some day be truly hers.
Rafaela tells her she doesn't want to upset her, she just wants her to not lose sight of the truth.
Bisexual Polyville. Night.
Mariana's hanging out reading a book when Armando comes home from work.
That sounds so wrong.
He starts talking about what a great day he had training some kids somewhere, he loves his job.
He asks about Julia, but she's with her sisters. Then he asks Mariana why she didn't stay with them, she's practically an Aparicio too. Emo says something about being an 'adoptive' Aparicio, an orphan. Besides, she wasn't in the mood for family time today.
Don't be so bitchy, Mariana.
Anyway, Armando gets the hint that she wants him to go and offers to leave, but she stops him. The two orphans can stay and wait for Julia together.
They whip up milkshakes and start playing board games. They're talking all nicely and I'm afraid for a second that they're gonna kiss or something...remember Armando and his fantasies. The fact that she's looking at him funny doesn't help a whole lot either.
Thankfully, it's not that kind of look. She tells him that what they're doing lately, well, she supposes that's what having a brother is like.
No, Mariana, siblings don't share their women.
Also, brothers don't have erotic dreams about their sisters.
I may not know much, being and only child and all, but I do know that.
Each of them wishes they had siblings growing up, which I guess is supposed to mean that's how they're going to be now.
Um...I'm still waiting for Armando to make a move on Mariana.
They keep laughing and joking and she tells him they could never pass as brother and sister: she's too hot. He says something about about how hot his hair is.
No it's not, guey. Maybe if you kept it wet or something...
Aparicio Central. Night.
Cool, it's been a while.
The sisters are drinking wine (damn they drink a lot!) and processing recent events. Alma's situation with Leo and his almost daughter, Meche with Isadora hinting she should marry Claudio, etc. Eventually, the attention turns to Julia and her polyfamily.
Julia says she's really happy: she finally has a great, honest relationship with the two people she loves. They all accept and love each other, bla, bla, bla.
Meche's not convinced, it can't be so easy. If it's complicated having a relationship with one person, it should be much harder with two.
God, I wish Meche. Then there would be drama and we wouldn't be so bored.
Alma, being Alma, asks Julia how she's doing 'taking care' of both of them? Isn't it exhausting? Meche laughs.
Julia says that yes, she's exhausted from all the sex and thinks she needs to go to the gym to get in shape and keep up.
Words escape me right now.
The big sisters tease her for a while, but then Meche brings up a very valid question: what about jealousy? Are Mariana and Armando jealousy because they share Julia? Do they (Ass and Emo) touch at all?
Julia immediately says her subjects don't touch each other! Ew, how can that be?
Meche tells her she doesn't know how her thing works, she's just asking. Julia insists that Mariana doesn't like men. But Meche persists.
Mercedes: And Armando? Does he like Mariana? I'm just asking...do YOU get jealous?
Julia makes a face and hesitates before she says she's not jealous. She then wants to change the subject.
Yes! Julia! Please get jealous of Mariana and Armando. Please misinterpret the brotherly love those two are starting to share. I love crazy Julia! I want some drama!
At least this episode wasn't as boring as the other two. I hope things start to move again soon.
And tonight I leave you with...........
........... Alex and Mara! Simply because that shot looks cool!