What's up, guys?
Apparently, Julia used her black magic on me too, since I'm still here recapping. I just really, really hate leaving things half done.
Things will be different, though. The recaps won't be as thorough as the others. Instead, they'll just a couple of paragraphs, the quote of the day and a few couple of screengrabs per episode.
Let's see if I can get through this. I got to say though, I can't promise you too much funny stuff since I'm barely making an effort here. Besides, part of the funny stuff from the other recaps came from my first impressions of what was going on, something that can't work now because I know how it ends.
Either way, I still hope that you enjoy.
So, let us get back to a time when Armando was a dirty, cheating whore, the level of Julia's insanity was manageable, Dani wasn't into polysex on Virgin beaches (as far as we know) and Mariana still had her dignity intact.
The show starts at the funeral of Meche's husband. Supposedly, someone put a curse on the Aparicio family, so there can be no men: the husbands die and the women only bear girls. Rafaela Aparicio, the family's matriarch, had three husbands that died before their time in freak accidents. She had a daughter with each husband: Alma, Mercedes and Julia. Both Alma and Mercedes are widows. Julia, the youngest one, has never been married.
Julia and Mariana are best friends. They've known each other since the first grade or something and, 20 something years later, they still do everything together. They have a catering business and both are aspiring actresses. Mariana is openly gay and has been out since she was a teenager, something that the Aparicio clan is totally supportive of. Julia's more or less a nymphomaniac who has had countless boyfriends, but the only one who has lasted more than a few months is Armando, who is a successful football player.
Now that we have the background stuff out of the way, let's get to the episode.
Julia and Armando have a really toxic relationship that isn't only shallow, it's based merely on sex. He has cheated on her countless times, yet she forgives him time and time again since she must love the 'fight-sex-fight-sex' cycle they're stuck into. In fact, Armando's asscrack deserved its own place in the series credits in the first few episodes of the show.
They start the series with Julia walking in on him having sex with another woman and him asking her to join. In disgust, she breaks up with him, but that doesn't stop him from stalking her endlessly and proposing marriage to her. She says no and tries to ignore him. In these episodes Armando really deserved the name 'Assmanho'. He even said that he was famous so the women threw themselves at him and he couldn't stop himself. He was pretty gross.
Anyway, from the very beginning, Julia and Mariana were a step away from being a couple already. There's all sorts of funny looks and playful touches and all sorts of hatred from Mariana towards Armando.
After Armando's proposal, Julia and Mariana get drunk and get all philosophical about love. Julia thinks that love is too complicated, while sex is too easy. The flirting continues and they end up kissing and well on their way to sex, with clothes coming off all over the place. Before things get really good, Mariana, who was a saint back then too, puts a halt to it because she knows that Julia's straight.
The episode ends with Julia in her room and looking at herself in the mirror, lost in thought.
The drunk make out has awakened the crazy, gueys.
Quote of the episode
Mariana(to Julia): Don't get confused, guey. I'm the dyke in here.
Julia really enjoys being cheated on and having a boyfriend who's only good for sex since she goes back to see Armando and ends up in bed with him, in fact, it seems as though that's what she goes there for. Maybe she can't resist the sight of his asscrack or maybe that's her way of dealing with her close-encounter-of-the-gay-kind with Mariana. Either way, sex is Julia's way of dealing with everything.
After the sex, she goes to see Mariana to try to clear up what happened between them. Mariana plays it down and assures her that they were just drunk and it was no big deal. However, she seems to have had her own close encounter of the 'i think I'm in love with my best friend, but I need to block it out because she's straight' kind, since she's just gotten back with her girlfriend, Dani 1.0.
The girls keep having their longing looks between each other and that night, when she's with Armando, Julia keeps imagining Mariana and Dani together and has sex with him to block it out.
Quote of the episode
Julia (to Mariana): I'd rather be with you than with anyone else in the world, what do you think that means?
The next day, Julia and Armando choose to stay in their lala land and get back together, even though Julia isn't interested in the marriage thing. Rafaela hates Armando about as much as Mariana does and neither of them are really happy about it.
When Armando goes to visit Julia at Aparicio Central, they have another mini discussion and the Pichichi asks her if there's someone else. She says that there isn't(although she hesitates before saying it) and he keeps wanting to have a more committed relationship, which she finds hard to do because their relationship is about as deep as a puddle: they just have sex and don't even talk about anything or and have anything in common.
Great foundations for everlasting love, don't you think?
Since he's a whore and sex is the awesomenest thing in the world for him, Assmanho insists that what they have is love and that while he may not know her as well as, say Mariana, he knows things that Mariana doesn't know, including the fact that she cries after sex and all sorts of other sex related stuff. Which kind of proves Julia's point, no?
Assmanho also tells her that he knows that she wonders how it would be like to be with Mariana, which we know it's true. That night, Julia has sex with him and, after she comes, she fantasizes that Mariana is in bed naked with them. So the trio fantasy was in Julia's little head from the very beginning.
Quote of the episode
Armando (To Julia): You wonder how it would be to be to have a relationship with a woman, with Mariana, specifically.
Julia and Mariana continue to be joined at the hip. Julia has an audition for erotic monologues or something like that, and wants Mariana to go with her, but she doesn't want to.
Dani 1.0, who is not into polysex and free love yet, has a mega jealousy attack because of Julia (and not the first one from what we see). Mariana assures her that Julia's a mega straight, dick loving, man collector and that, even is Julia was gay, she still would be with Dani.
Dani has a hard time believing her too because everytime that Mariana and Julia are together, it's like they're alone in their own planet and she feels left out. Mariana keeps reassuring her and they have sex after, which calms Dani down, for now, anyway.
The next day, Julia goes to her audition with Armando. At the building, they stumble upon a slutty looking reporter who knows Armando (meaning that that they probably did the nasty) and starts flirting with him shamelessly and asking about Spain. Julia is hurt because she knew nothing about the Spain thing. At the casting, Julia looks all hot and Armando gets really turned on at the sight of Julia with a semi see through dress and saying naughty stuff. Immediately when they get home, he wants sex but she wants to know about the Spain thing. He admits that his people are just negotiating and he might get a deal to play for a team there, which hurts her feelings because he hadn't mentioned it to her since their relationship just sucks ass.
That night, Julia cries silently while she looks at his asscrack because she doesn't know if she can trust him.
You know, watching this reminds me of how great the show used to be up to episode sixty something. Even Julia was a real person. It's such a pity that things got so off track. It's also quite shocking to see how different Dani was before they turned her into Armando part deux, with the sex stuff, I mean.
Quote of the episode
Dani (to Mariana): For you it was easy because you always knew, but not for me. You know when I realized it? When I fell in love with a woman. And it had to be you, you know? You have such charm that you can turn any straight woman!
Because, as we confirm later in the series, everyone involved in the Juliana storyline must be into masochism, Dani, Mariana, Julia and Armando go on a double data at Armando's place. Mariana and Dani are all lovey dopey and Julia keeps sending them jealous stares. They play that lame 'what if' game where people say what they would do if ______. Assmanho is a jerk and makes everyone uncomfortable by coming up with his own 'what if': what if you thought your girlfriend was bisexual and into her best friend?
Mariana and Dani take the cue to leave and Julia and Assmanho fight over it. Remember, since they're not having sex, then they must be fighting. She's upset he did that little scene out of jealousy, he feels insecure because Julia prefers to be with Mariana (but really, who wouldn't?).
The next day, when they wake up, they talk some more about their relationship. He wants more commitment from her but, no matter how hard he tries, he still feels her far away. She admits that she's just afraid of loving him and losing him. He promises that he'll never leave her, so Stalkmando shouldn't have shocked us later on.
To prove that she has been in Lala Land long before I thought she was (although she wasn't the queen quite yet), Julia accepts Armando's proposal of moving in with him, even though, you know, their relationship is about as deep as a puddle, he's a cheating whore and all they do is fight. And have sex. Which is what they do next, by the way.
Quote of the episode
Armando: Why did they leave?
Julia: What do you mean, why? Because the game is over.
Ileana is back from US and that stick is stuck firmly in her ass. At a family dinner, she keeps being homophobic and a total bitch to Mariana. She acts all disgusted, doesn't want to be next to Mariana and even refuses to eat at the table with her.
Armando is there too and wants to tell everyone that they're moving in together, but Julia doesn't want to. This prompts even more insecurities from Assmanho, who's a little baby. Mariana seems as secretly annoyed and jealous when Julia is with Armando as Julia is when Mariana is with Dani.
The next day, Julia visits Marina and starts making fun of Dani's hippie books, who lives with Mariana. Julia opens up about her insecurities about moving in with Armando. Doesn't Mariana miss her freedom? Doesn't she get tired of being with Dani all the time? etc, etc.
Mariana assures her that no, she doesn't get sick of Dani, and when she asks Julia if what's really bothering her is that she doesn't think that Armando can handle monogamy, Julia changes the topic. The girls rehearse something else for some other casting call and we hear Alma as a voice over talking about the soulmates legend.
There's also some more Julia/Armando sex because we love it so much (or not) and later they fight some more (of course, they're not having sex at the moment) because Armando keeps getting jealous when Julia keeps mentioning Mariana. The fight turns to Julia's insecurities over Armando's inability to keep it in his pants, which makes Armando whine like a little indignant bitch.
Speaking of Assmanho, he runs into the slutty reporter again. She seduces him and he plays hard to get. She tells him to call her if he changes his mind, which he does after his fight with Julia and they have sex in some dark corner at the TV station where she works.
Quote of the episode
Alma: There was a time when spherical beings lived on Earth . Beings who were whole and complete, with four legs and four arms, who were man and woman in the same being. And those beings were so completed and so happy, that they awakened the gods' anger and they split them in two, condemning them to live forever incomplete and separated, eternally searching for their missing half.
When Armando is about to give the slutty reporter oral sex, she takes a picture of him with her cellphone, so we know that this is going to come back to bite him in the ass. Or penis.
While Armando is giving Julia more cuernos (as if she needs any more) Mariana and Julia rehearse again for some casting call, and this time it's a love declaration that leaves them both pretty breathless when they get in character and the whole thing gets too close to home. They have a moment, but decide to play it down.
Later that day, Armando picks a fight with Julia because she still hasn't talked to Rafaela about moving in with him. He gives her an ultimatum (a day) to decide, which pisses her off even more. She takes her bad mood to Aparicio Central, where she's cooking with Mariana. She even goes off with Rafaela, which prompts Mariana to offer her support. Julia admits that she doesn't know what to do (shocking, I know) because she can't see herself married and isn't sure that she can believe Assmanho when he says that he'll be faithful. Mariana tells her that she has some thinking to do, and hints at her that the problem is that maybe she doesn't love him.
Can we get a 'duh'?
Armando keeps seeing temptation everywhere. Even at his house, where he sees imaginary naked women everywhere, because, you know, a whole day without sex is driving him insane already. Feeling guilty, he surprises Julia with roses and apologizes for the fight they had and promises to give her the time that she wants. Julia isn't really convinced because his hair is wet, which, to her, means that he took a bath because he was recently in bed with someone. They have their mandatory fight per episode.
Such a healthy relationship, gueys.
The next day, the slutty reporter shows up at Armando's house and tries to seduce him but he, miraculously, resists her (barely). Just as the slutty reporter leaves, Julia arrives, luggage in hand, ready to move in with him.
Quote of the episode
Mariana (to Julia): Living as a couple isn't living in a hell or a jail, honestly. I told you about Dani and me the other day. It's about being comfortable and having fun, but the two of you. But the truth is that it's not worth it if there isn't love involved.
The episode begins with Armando and Julia being all bliss about living together. Armando gets a call from the slutty reporter and he pretends not to know her and hangs up just as she starts to tell him him that he can't just 'use her and lose her' like that.
That night, over at Aparicio Central, the girls give Julia a going away party because she's moving in with her cheating ho. There's all sort of sister fun until Ileana spoils it by having a gay panic episode when Mariana accidentally walks in on her shirtless. She locks herself in a closet and later does a little scene in the living room in front of everyone: she bitches and bitches that the gayness isn't normal and even spouts the standard biblical stuff. The Aparicio women vehemently defend Mariana, but the discussion gets so bad that Mariana decides to leave to preserve the peace.
When she gets home, we get to see the first signs of Emo appearing. She didn't just get homophobia from Miss Stick in the Mud, her taxi driver was an asshole too. Dani is supportive and talks as if she identifies as gay, but then again, this is 1.0, not 1.5. Unfortunately, this is also when we get the first of their many anti-homophobia PSAs, but since this is the first one, it is bearable. Dani succeeds in cheering her up and some cuteness follows.
The next day, over at Armando's Cave, version 1, Julia unpacks her bags and wears ugly things around her neck. So, from the very beginning she's loved them, gueys. The phone rings and it's the slutty reporter, who hangs up when she realizes that she's talking to Julia.
Later that day, Julia and Mariana are in chef mode and Dani is in hippie mode, talking about her yoga, new age books on relationships and whatnot. Julia makes fun of her when she leaves, which is uncool because Julia should never make fun of anyone, ever. The girls make the deal that they're not going to criticize each others' relationships.
Since locks seem to be nonexistent in this universe, when Armando gets home he finds it all messy because his stalker, the slutty reporter, was there. She even left that picture of him about to go down on her taped to a wall. In his haste to pick everything up before Julia gets home, a pan accidentally falls on his head and leaves him unconscious, which is how Julia finds him later. She freaks out because she thinks that the curse is already trying to kill him.
Quote of the episode
Ileana: Well, I'm not going to celebrate any free union.
Julia: Oh, stop it you frigid woman!
Armando pays a visit to the crazy, slutty reporter to tell her to back off. I'm pretty that sure she wasn't intimidated because Armando can't really intimidate anyone, so you can expect the crazy reporter to come back. Armando must be a crazy chick magnet, no?
Julia and Mariana go to the supermarket and later to Aparicio Central to do their cooking thing. Mariana keeps making fun of Armando and his accident, which annoys Julia a little at first, but then she gets distracted because she's worried about the curse, what if it was a sign? Mariana tells her not to worry because there are no curses and, if there were, it's not like the world would lose a lot if it lost Armando.
Later on, Julia joins Assmanho at home and is all about taking care of him, but he's fine and just wants sex. But Julia wants them try to think about something other than sex, which is unthinkable for him.
In some office somewhere, the crazy, slutty reporter is online looking over Julia's profile. She leaves her a comment with the Armando naughty picture attached.
Quote of the episode
Mariana (to Julia, who is distracted): Why don't we make ourselves some brain quesadillas? Of what fell out of Armando's head when the pan hit him? There's not much of it, but something is something, no?
The episode starts with Julia checking her blog and almost reading the stalker's message, but she gets distracted when Armando wants to have sex again. She doesn't want more sex because he's still wounded, plus, it's the only thing they ever do and she can't accept the fact that it's the only thing they have in common.
Later that day, Armando almost reads the message too, but a friend picks him up to go to the gym before he does.
That night, at Aparicio Central, Mariana, Julia and Alma play around by pretending to have orgasms, When Harry Met Sally, style. They're cool like that.
The next day, Julia innocently clicks on the naughty picture and all hell breaks lose. I was wondering when the next fight was going to be. Julia demands to know who the woman in the picture is and when that happened. Armando tells her and tries to justify himself by saying he just can't help himself and that after he does it he just feels empty and guilty. But Julia is really hurt and decides to spend the night at Aparicio Central.
Meanwhile, at Mariana's Loft, Dani walks in with the mail, including Mariana's monthly check or transfer receipt or something from her mom. Mariana throws it away, which prompts Dani to ask about it and we get part of Mariana's life story: her dad left her when she was little, her mother married a gringo called Frank who rejected her because she was gay and now they both live in the US and send her a monthly check.
Quote of the episode
Julia (to Armando): Can't you spend a fucking day without fucking??!!!