Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Las Aparicio Recaps ep 71-73

What's up, guys?

I'm back. I took a couple of days off to adapt myself to this damn storyline we've had to endure. I couldn't bring myself to watch again to recap until now.

Hope you enjoy, cause I'm really making an effort here.

Episode 71

My personal hell. Night.

Armando and Julia are in bed post sex. You know, that scene we've never really had with the girls, but we've had 80 million times with these two? Damn it if I wanted to watch so much hetero breeding I would've watched any other freaking show in the universe.

I want my lesbians, goddamn it!

They're breathing kinda hard and talking about how amazing the sex was, how amazing it always is. Assmando has turned into a hippie and goes on and on about how awesome it was, how he feels that now he's finally tuned into Julia.

Armando: It's like, I finally saw you as the person you are: free, passionate, a being of light and love. It doesn't matter how much love you have, you spread it around. And I swear it's okay, you inspire people to give you love. That's why I'm transpiring love. I swear, I feel like I have so much love here, coming out of my pores....and even though you're with her, I love you.
Julia: I love you too.

Armando: Really?

Julia: Don't doubt it, please.

If what you've done is love, then I guess hookers must be cupid like beings who light up the world spreading all that love.

And now I feel like I've just insulted hookers.

They go on and on, the two little lovebirds they are now, about how he really is giving this a shot, bla, bla, bla. Then he asks her if, when they were doing it, Julia was thinking about Mariana. It doesn't bother him, he just wants to know. She admits that she did think about Mariana, and he says he did too. And they kiss and laugh and they're such beings of light that have love coming out of their pores.

Mariana's own personal hell. Night.

Mariana's home reading a book and possibly thinking about her girlfriend getting nailed by a guy. Or at least that's what I'd be thinking about.

To make matters worse for me, but I guess better for her, Hernan arrives. She called him to talk since, like I've said before, she has no other friends and just looooveeees discussing her sex/love life with her dad.

Have I said these people have turned into aliens to me?

Hernan asks her about her 'partner'. She tells him it's her night off.

I gotta say, in all the theories of polyamory, these schmucks picked the worse one, waiting around for your turn to have time with your GF? What. the. fuck.

At least if they were all open to having other relationships or had a triangle where they all loved each other it would seem more fair. Now, the queen is the only one who wins.

Anyway, they talk some more and Mariana complains about the situation and I don't care because she accepted this crap.

Sorry, my love, but you've lost a ton of cool points because of this mess.

Emo feels like there's something missing for her (DUH) and Utopio tries to cheer her up. He tells her he's worried because she doesn't seem happy about the situation (can I get another DUH?) and she tells him happiness doesn't necessarily come instantly. She's sticking it out with Julia because it's a process she agreed to go through, no matter how hard it gets.

Mariana feels she has to do this, not just because she loves Julia, but because she's trying to be true to who she's always been: someone who's always believed that love is free and transcends gender and everything, so, how could she betray her beliefs now?

I call bullshit, Emo. Just because you believe in people's right to choose their way doesn't mean you have to follow them when it's against who you are and what you want. I believe straight people have all the right in the world to love each other, for example, but that doesn't mean I will ever get near a penis.


So, BS Emo, BS.

As Hernan presses more into the matter, she says what I think is the real reason why she's doing it: what she had with Julia pre polymess was her version of a perfect love, and she's sure they can get there again with time.

Really guey? Cause those 30 seconds you spent together Assmando free were okay, but kinda lacking.

Whatever, dude. Stay in your hell, you're a masochist.

They change topics and start talking about the paperwork they have to fill out for Mariana to get Hernan's last name.

She calls him dad.

Mariana's loft. Day.

The happy polyfamily are hanging out having coffee and reading the newspaper.

Julia's whining because neither of her partners want to go to dinner with her to Aparicio Central. Her Majesty whines a lot, doesn't she?

The compadres tease her and tell her she has the day off because they both have things to do, which is good because she seems tired and has dark circles under her eyes.

Yes, let's joke about the fact that our girlfriend's been lacking sleep because she's doing us both, why not? We're all so close now.

I'm so close to hating these gueys, y'all.

Julia thinks they just don't want to go becuase they're afraid of facing Rafaela, and she seems to be right. She goes on and on about the fact that she wants to have a serious talk with her family about their decision.

She storms off in a huff because her loyal subjects have rebelled.

Well, for two seconds anyway.

Julia's whining is really getting on my nerves. We've had 71 fucking episodes of that.


Aparicio Central. Day.

Julia walks into the kitchen, she needs to talk to Rafaela alone.

They move into their studio for privacy and Julia starts giving her mother her polyamory class. Rafaela is having a hard time swallowing the whole thing and Julia actually says maybe she can use a drawing or a graphic to explain.

I think I will kill her soon.

Rafaela agrees.

The Queen goes on and on with the same BS we've heard from her the last 15 episodes. Rafaela immediately asks about Mariana and Armando, she worries about how they are with this thing.

Julia tells her they're okay and that they accepted. Patroncita keeps digging, 'what about jealousy?' etc, etc.

MEC keeps saying that it's all okay, they've made their decision and it's all good, now Julia needs her family to know and support her.

Rafaela looks like she's just lost a daughter. Julia is breaking her heart with this. Still, she pushes through and tells Julia she's okay, she loves her and will always be there for her, but begs her to not hurt anyone.

Patroncita is saying all those things, but she doesn't seem like she means them. She hugs Julia and walks out, on the verge of tears and looking like her heart is broken.

Rafaela: Who are you, Julia? Who are you?

I don't even care to know anymore, Rafaela.

Mariana's Loft. Day.

The compadres are getting ready to go to the Aparicio dinner. Armando is worried about Rafaela's reaction, he whines a bit and says he won't go. Mariana drags him.


Aparicio Central. Day.

During the voice over, we see the family having dinner, including the Queen and her subjects. Rafaela gives them the evil eye.

I concur, Patroncita, I concur.

And tonight I leave you with............ coital Ileana! Cause having sex has really made you hotter, Miss Stick in the Mud, even if the hippie can't give you an orgasm!


Episode 72

Aparicio Central. Day.

The family dinner looks mighty uncomfortable. The sisters try to start small talk with Armando and Mariana, but it doesn't take long for Rafaela to speak up.

Rafaela: Julia, this thing with the three of you isn't gonna work.
Mercedes: Please, not now.

Alma: Please, Mom, we said we were gonna respect them.

Rafaela: I don't understand it, and I'm tired, I'm just sick of your confusions.

The matriarch gets up to walk away and the whole family gets up in a fuss. Miss Center of the Universe (Julia) gets immediately offended and tells her not to go, that she and her subjects will go since they offend her so much.

The sisters and Mariana try to calm the situation down. Emo assures Rafaela it was their decision and it's their responsibility. La Patroncita tells them that Julia manipulated them into it, and that if they looked into their hearts they would know they're broken.

Julia walks away in a huff, YET AGAIN, almost screaming at Rafaela that she expected understanding from her. Her loyal subjects follow.

When outside, MEC cries and whines, YET AGAIN, about how foolish she was when she expected her mother to be okay with it. She feels so bad and rejected, and whatever.

Blah, Julia, I'm tired of you no matter how much I like your ass.

What the hell did you expect? Besides, your family is never gonna agree with everything you do, get over it. At least, regardless of what they say, you know they will be there for you, which is what truly matters.

Mercedes and Alma try to calm Rafaela down. They tell her to take it easy, after all, what the schmucks are doing isn't really hurting anyone. Besides, Alma says, the situation is hard for she and Meche too, but in the end it's up to Julia to find her own way.

La Patroncita doesn't agree.

Rafaela: Julia is heliocentric. She feels that she's the sun and that everyone should revolve around her. Please! Her confusions... she wants to be one thing, then the other...and those are people now...they're gonna crash, really.

Rafaela word=still the word of God.

Our matriarch sends her daughters away, she needs some time alone.

Mariana's loft. Night.

It's Mariana's turn tonight, so the girls are what? Pigging out and watching movies!

Of course... Armando's ass we see all the time, but potential boobies? Just the one time.

TPTB hate me, obviously.

At least the food looks good. I want some ice cream now.

Julia tells Mariana she had a horrible day and wants to be BFFs tonight. Mariana tells her that first and foremost, they'll always be BFFs.

Um, why?

There is a 'friend' in 'girlfriend' you know. No need to separate the two.

The Queen is still hurt over Rafaela's disapproval and Mariana offers support. After all, she knows what it's like to have a parental unit reject you.

I still fail to see how Julia's thing with Rafaela compares to coming out to harsh parents. After all, Rafaela might as well be a PFLAG president, they have to know she'll come around, right? Even if she doesn't agree with what they're doing.

The girls settle in for their movie night.

Later that night, they're bored.

Really? Are you serious, gueys? There's NOTHING at all you can think about doing?

How about you do that thing we never see you do? It's a three letter word that starts with S, ends in X and rhymes with EX. It does wanders to your mood you know.

But, no.

They decide to revert to their childhoods, which can't be so hard given that Julia's 14 already, and start playing 'manitas calientes' or 'hot hands'.

It's not as naughty as it sounds, though. Apparently you have to take your hands away before the other person hits them or something. I don't remember playing that as a child. Maybe it gets naughtier later on since Julia jokes that Mariana likes the game because that's how she discovered her sexuality.


Mariana's loft. Day.


Julia continues to whine over breakfast.

STFU. Nobody cares, you're becoming sleep inducing too.

Her subjects try to cheer her up. They're sure about their relationship and aren't going anywhere

Whatever. This show can be redundant as hell.

The compadres keep bonding.


Tonight I leave you with.........

...........Claudio! Because I totally agree that parenthood isn't as subtle and magical as they want to make it out to be!


Episode 73

Bisexual Polyville. Day.

I've decided to rename Mariana's loft and call it 'Polyville' now. Since Julia and Armando seem to never go home, I'm guessing they've chosen it as their center of operations.

Soon, Armando and Julia are totally gonna do it on her bed. And we'll probably end up seeing it, I just know it.

Anyway, Armando and Julia, sans Mariana (so they're alone in her house), are talking about how cool it is that Mariana is getting her dad's last name: it means so much to her.

Armando is really glad for her because, like I've said before, now he's a good guy we need to feel empathy for now so that the poly thing works. He says Mariana is a really cool and admirable person, so she deserves it. This prompts him to ask Julia what we've been wondering for a while.

Armando: Julia, why do you love me?

Beats the hell outta me, guey.

Julia: What do you mean, why? Because you're so handsome. (laughs)
Armando: No, seriously, I know it's a weird question but, I need to know.

Julia: Well, because, just like you find Mariana admirable, I find you admirable too.
Armando: Me? Admirable? In what sense? I lost everything.
Julia: No, no, no. Don't say those things, they aren't' true. You didn't lose everything. A part of your career is over, but your passion isn't. Look, I love you because you are an incredible fighter. Because you persevere, and you don't give up easily, because you're always fighting to achieve your dreams. That's why I love you. Because of that and many other things.

Huh. La neta, Julia? I thought it was just the fucking.

I gotta say, I appreciate the effort they're putting in to redeem Armando, but as long as he's between my two girls I just can't let myself like him. Sorry. I also gotta say that love must be blinding the hell out of Julia since I haven't seen any of those qualities in him, at all.


Apparently Armando is channeling the audience today, since he's got another question for Julia. How can she love two people who are so different?

Julia: I don't know, I guess it's because, yes, you're very different, but each of you has something special. You're unique, and you complete me... you're my confidants, my friends, my companions...

Again, Julia, I haven't seen Armando being any of those things to you.

The phone rings. Nana is calling to tell Julia her ma wants to talk to her.

Mercedes' Office. Day.

Everyone is being all boring. They're signing the papers to give Mariana Hernan's last name. They're all laughing and touchy and I cringe at the thought of me ever being like that with my dad.


Mercedes is very glad to see them so happy and almost lets it slip out that Hernan is gonna go away. Later on, Meche scolds him for leaving Mariana again, she doesn't know that Utopio is sick and he doesn't tell her.

Aparicio Central. Day.

Rafaela is all nostalgic in Julia's room. Maximo appears and calls her a hypocrite for being this way to Julia, after all, didn't she have lots of lovers in her time? Sometimes more than one at a time?

Orale, Patroncita, who would've thought?

At least Julia, he says, it's doing it out in the open.

Julia walks in and Rafaela seems surprised, she didn't ask her to come, it was all Nana's doing. The two talk anyway.


Long story short: Rafaela still doesn't agree with what Julia's doing, but she's her daughter and she loves her, so she's not going to just abandon her. Julia spouts, YET AGAIN, the same speech we've been hearing for two weeks.

They make up and love each other.

Something I should mention, though, it's that Rafaela tries to get Julia to put herself in Mariana/Armando's shoes. Could she share them with anyone?

The Queen says that no, probably not.

Ha! There's goes all your polyamory BS!

Gym. Day.

Sister time!

It's good to know that they work hard for those bodies!

Nothing too interesting is happening, just them processing current events, like Julia's parallel relationships and Meche's Claudio woes.

Bisexual Polyville. Day.

Hernan is on the phone, by himself. Seven eleven, remember?

He seems to be talking to a doctor. It's bad news: apparently it's metastasis, which means he has cancer and it has spread, no?

That sucks, Hernan.

Mariana walks in. She seems in a good mood and Hernan puts on the show that everything is all right. Emo is not so Emo today, so she's very upbeat and smiley.

I like smiley Mariana.

Utopio needs to talk. Mariana morphs into Emo when she sees him so serious. She can tell bad things are coming.

Hernan doesn't want to talk about his cancer, though, but instead tells her he's getting ready to leave again to work on another of his charities. And you remember that anger I've been waiting for Mariana to direct towards Julia? Well, she directs it, full force, to Hernan.

Mariana is obviously angry. She's gotten used to the idea of a dad, I suppose, and can't believe he's leaving again. She's pissed, very pissed!

Hernan: Mariana, daughter...
Mariana: Don't call me daughter, Hernan! Fuck! You can't call me daughter: being a father means more than two weeks! It means more than a hug after 20 years! It means more than words on a paper! Fuck! You know what? Out of all the places they could send you, I think Juares is perfect. Maybe there, Hernan, you'll find the stray bullet that's had your name on it all these years!


And tonight I leave you with............

....Alex's orgasm class! Do I really need to explain why?



  1. totally enjoy your recaps. they are my laugh to start my day.

  2. Ha ha ha! Loved the puking pumpkin pic. As usual your recaps do not disappoint.

  3. Glad you like it, guys! :)

  4. I love your recaps! I always get a BIG laugh... No matter how crappy this f*** s/l gets, I always get to laugh reading the recaps... THANKS!

  5. I love these recaps too---they are hilarious! I was reading them at a coffee shop with a huge grin on my face the whole time. Something I haven't done while watching the show in a long time. Thanks for all your hard work!

  6. I like your recaps but you're very um.. negative. Wow.

  7. lol. Watching the series live was very frustrating, what can I say? It would probably have been different if I watched it after and watched it all at once, I guess. :D